Kindergarten Woes

I know that I am a wuss.  I know that I am sappy and will laugh at myself in a few years.  But, I am really dreading next Monday.  I mean- really dreading it.  I am trying to not show my dread because I don't want my son to dread it.  In fact, I have been talking it up big time.  We even got a few books from the Library about beginning Kindergarten.  (they may have helped me as much as him)  We have randomly talked about the cool things that he will get to do in Kindergarten and the cool people he will meet.

But- back to me.  I think that I  have always dreaded this day, ever since I had my baby boy after years of trying and several miscarriages.  I will admit, there have been times in the past year that I have thought that Kindergarten was looking better. But, then he smiles at me or makes me laugh, or I think about all the trips that we have made during the day together, and I have to sigh. Those days are quickly fading. 

I know in my head that it will be fine.  He is going to love Kindergarten, just like most children.  He is going to miss me for a day or two and then fit right into the routine and do wonderful.  He is smart, well-behaved, and cute.  The teachers will probably love him as well.  All of his previous teachers have.

I think that what I am dreading the most is the loss of control and time.  Time has a way of slipping away from you while you are working on this thing called Life.  I mean, laundry, dinner, errands, discipline, etc.....  And I have tried my best to live my life involving my children as much as possible.  So, I don't regret the past few years, I just hate for it all to end.  No longer will I be able to take him for a ride to the grocery store on Wed mornings, just to get a few things.  No longer will we make a run to the Library and listen to story hour.  No longer will I send him to preschool for a few hours while I run some errands and pick him up after lunch to come home for a nap.  Now he will "rest" at school, go to the library there, eat his lunch there, and have others influence him.  Others will now spend more time with my child than I will.  Others will begin to have influences over the way he speaks, reacts to me, and the way he sees the world around him.

Most of that really isn't bad.  Change is inevitable. Growth is necessary.  I would be worried about him if he wasn't changing and growing up,  I can't keep him little forever.  And I don't think that I would if I could.

But for these few days, I miss what used to be.  I dread what he may face as a tenderhearted little boy.  It is hard to be a boy in school.  Especially a good boy.  I dread those mornings when he is too tired to get up and I just want to let him sleep a little longer.  I dread those looks when I check him out early or bring him in late.  I dread the germs that he will be swimming in and now bring home to infect us with.  I dread him learning that others don't always watch PBS.  I dread him not being required to sing "God our Father" before lunch.  I dread him getting bigger and stinkier.

I know that I will forget that I ever felt this way.  I have worked with children all my life and know that the Kindergarten and 1st grade years can be the sweet years as well.  I know that I am going to love watching my child become the creation that God has made him to be.  I know that I am going to love spending time with Sarah, just one on one.  And then my hubby on days when Sarah goes to Mothers Morning Out.

I know all of this in my head, it is just hard to tell my heart right now.  So, I thought that I would write it out.  Comment if you want, call me a pansy and a wimp.  I'll agree.  Remind me that there are those who have it much worse- I'll agree.  This isn't a huge thing in the big scheme of things.  Even in the big scheme of our family's life.  I'm sure that we will face much larger problems one day. 

But for now, this week, this is a huge deal to me and my husband.  So pray for a mommy today, not necessarily me.  I'm sure that I'm not alone in my thoughts today. 
Really- I am thankful.  I am thankful that the Lord is reminding me of His Love when I get a little down about this.  He reminded me the other day that He is Lord of Puckett's Mill Elementary School Kindergarten just the same as He is Lord of the Universe.  I can place my baby in His hands once again b/c I know that He loves Jonathan more than I do.  That is an amazing thing to think about too.  He has a plan for all of us, that includes our precious children.  What an amazing God I serve, what a precious child I have been blessed with, and what a stinky time to be a Mommy....sending your kid to Kindergarten.